World Cup Country Profiles - Wales

Although everyone knows it, it bears repeating: Wales invented singing, phlegm, Tom Jones, singing with phlegm and Barry John, in that order.

The Singing

One of the must-do experiences of world rugby, nay world sport, is to be at the Millennium Stadium (Stadiwm y Mileniwm, nee Cardiff Arms Park the National Stadium) for a Wales v New Zealand rugby match. (Update: thanks Miramar Michael; Cardiff Arms Park is still with us; the Dropkicks' lack of research skills strikes again!) With any luck, Byron Kelleher won't be part of the haka, but even he at his patriotic worst wouldn't be able to be noticed above the strains of "Bread of Heaven", which will be emanating from 80,000 Welsh mouths and moving air at pressures usually reserved for jumbo jets and jackhammers.

The Phlegm

When in Wales, or around Welshmen, always keep an umbrella handy, especially if the locals, or other said Welshmen, insist on conversing in their mother tongue. You just try saying Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch without needing to rehydrate halfway through. A towel would not go astray either. Had the Earth not been destroyed by the Vogon Constructor Fleet, its odds on that Douglas Adams would have mentioned the humble towel in just such a phlegm-negating capacity.

Tom Jones

Well, he's just a sex-bomb, boyo.

Singing with Phlegm

Take a towel with you to the Millennium Stadium.

Barry John

Ah, here we go. Actually, I could have replaced Barry John with JPR Williams, or Gareth Edwards, Mervyn Davies, Phil Bennett. Heck, any one of the team from the Golden Age in the 1970s. Six Five Nations trophies. Grand Slams. Triple Crowns. The glory years. The years Wales would dearly love to be repeated.

If there is any country even remotely like New Zealand when it comes to the spirituality of rugby, it is Wales. Some say it is the sheep. Some say it is the effect of being the neighbour of a bigger country that tends to ignore you, or at least pats you on the head patronisingly whenever you produce your latest seaside crayon masterpiece with birds that look like m's. Some say it is the green rolling hills. Some say it's Graham Henry, the Great Redeemer. No one says it's the coal mines. And it's definitely not the singing. (If there's one thing a group of New Zealand supporters can do, it's suck the sound out of the opposing supporters. We're so un-noisy we actively consume sound waves.)

Whatever the reason for our relative sameness, rugby has merely reinforced the notion. We both found we had a want for the game, and we both had the physical and mental attributes to command fear in the opposition's eyes. Had the World Cup been invented 80 years ago, the three countries most engraved upon the trophy would be New Zealand, South Africa and Wales. Wales used to be that good.

I say "used to" because, although the All Blacks still make other teams yearn to be elsewhere when playing them, the Welsh have spent the last 25 years working out how best to position themselves on their downward slide. It is doubtful that the average Welsh fan looks back at the last couple of decades with much nostalgia. Sure, there were some high points: Five Nations' crowns in 1988 and 1994 and a Six Nations' crown in 2005. And then there were 10 wins in a row in the late 1990s: a resurgence that never really caught on. But in the main, Wales has suffered terribly at the hands of the Big Five nations, and has found its pride battered as it has struggled against supposed minnows.

Will the class of '07 be able to reverse the downward slide? Not on the Welsh team's results so far this year. Equal bottom of the Six Nations with Scotland. Below Italy. Ouch. A loss to Italy. Double ouch. A loss to Scotland. Oof. A record loss to England in a warm-up match, and although this was a Welsh team without many of its top players, it can only have been psychologically damaging. Thok. Wales also had two losses on the road in Australia: one they could perhaps have won with an ounce more luck, but in the other they got thumped. Kapow. One positive has been their most recent win over Argentina, 27-20. Is this the beginning of yet another Welsh rennaisance, or was it just a game they were lucky to win and life will go on as it has these past 25 years?

Wales are in Pool B, and start their campaign against the Canadians at Stade la Beaujoire on Sunday 9 September. They then travel back home to Cardiff and the Millennium Stadium to face Australia on Saturday 15 September. They then travel precisely nowhere to play Japan on Thursday 20 September. Their final pool match is against Fiji, back at Stade la Beaujoire on Saturday 29 September. It's hard not to see them finishing second in that pool and heading off to Marseille and playing (and probably getting thumped by) South Africa in the third quarterfinal.

World Cup Country Profiles - Namibia

I hate to burst the bubble of any dedicated fans out there, but Namibia are not going to win the World Cup. If a recent 103-13 loss to South Africa is anything to go by, Namibia are a side that exists for two reasons. Two potentially provide South Africa with players, and to provide South Africa with statistics to inflate the careers of those players...

All that said, the Welwitschias are a feisty team made up of of what looks to be the same German-Dutch stock who colonised South Africa.

In other words, big, ugly, squared-headed bastards who like their meat dried in a cage.

Yes. So just when you thought one country full of these buggers was enough, it turns out it gave birth to another in 1990.

Namibia kicks off their short stint at the World Cup with an September 9 opener against Ireland. They are then playing France on September 16, Argentina on September 22, and thrash Georgia on September 26. Maybe.

World Cup Country Profiles - Japan

Daisuke Ohata. Ever heard of him? What about David Campese? What if I told you that Ohata has more test tries than Campese?

That’s right the holder of the record for most test tries is Japanese. And you know what else? He’s captaining their World Cup squad! That’s right you may get to see the world’s greatest try scorer score another.

But Ohata is not the only reason to be excited about the Japanese. They play a very exciting rugby style. It’s expansive and fast, modeled, I believe, on the French style of play (without the punching). The only problem is that they aren’t very good at it.

New coach (and kiwi legend) John Kirwan has declared his intention from the outset to pursue a Japanese brand of rugby which expresses the "Samurai Spirit", and he wants to win at least two games in RWC 2007. However, if the 2007 Pacific Nations Cup is anything to go by (see the table here), the Japanese have a bit of work to do.

I traveled to Tokyo last year and the one thing I can definitely say about the Japanese is that they are enthusiastic. The quietest time was 2am on a Tuesday morning and the streets were still not empty. The Japanese have so much energy that you begin to suspect they are actually cyborgs powered by little micro-reactors, and let’s be honest, its Japan it could be true. They work 9 hours a day, they drink until they can barely walk, they play pachinko like there’s a point to it and then they go scream themselves hoarse at sports. The Japanese are the ones who put the “fanatic” back into “fan” (you know what I mean).


No one, unfortunately, expects Japan to get past the pool stage of this World Cup (not the case back in the late 80’s when they could match/beat Wales and Scotland). But they could run a few teams close like Fiji or Canada and they could offer an upset over Wales, given the recent Welsh form. The new policy at the JRFU is ATQ or Advance To The Quarterfinals. Which is where they want the team to be in 2011. So we'll have to wait. Of course by then the Japanese may exist solely on some immense neural-network while androids replace the physical players.


So what should you look out for? That man Daisuke Ohata, possessor of the Samurai Spirit.

Japan can expect big problems first up when they take on Australia in Lyon on September 8. On the 12th they play Fiji in Toulouse, on the 20th, then they meet Wales in Cardiff (assuming the foot and mouth thing calms down) on the 20th. Japan round out their cup with Canada on the 25th in Bordeaux.

World Cup Profile: Ireland

I like Ireland, and the Irish. Despite what you might think/may have heard/or experienced, the Irish are the least offensive people in the world. Ever since they declared their neutrality in world affairs they have gone out of their way to make sure they don’t offend anyone. After controversially allowing the USSR to use Shannon Airport for military transport purposes during the Cuban Missile Crisis, they happily allowed the USA to use the same airport as a staging post for supply and bombing runs into Afghanistan and in both the First Gulf War and the 2003 invasion of Iraq. No doubt if the Iraqis ever needed to use the airport for any reason, they would find the Irish waiting with fuel for their planes, emerald green burkhas for their women, and “special” Guinness for their thirsty lads.

Careful never to upset anybody, the Irish have been at pains to counter any win over anybody with a well engineered loss* and vice versa. Ireland own a wonderful win 41% of-the-time, lose 54% of-the-time record. About even really if you take out the matches against the ABs. They need to beat the French, English, Australians and amazingly Namibia (against whom they own a shocking one win two loss record) pretty consistently over the next decade to balance the ledger with those teams. Conversely they’re due to lose a few against the likes of Italy, Samoa, Canada, Fiji and (dark horses) Georgia (WoooooOOOOoooooOOOO Georgia).

Worryingly should they meet Romania in the latter stages of the cup, I suggest putting your money on the Transylvanians after the Irish spanked them by 50 points in 1986 and the Irish may be seaking to right some wrongs. Their most recent competitive matches a 17-20 loss to France and a 43-13 win over England suggest at the world cup a win over Le Bleus in pool play followed by a convincing loss to the Rose in the latter stages of the competition.

Despite this and my opening statement, the Irish cannot be written off. Its possible, that over a long session at the pub they've agreed that if they decide to go ahead and beat everyone and win the cup, they can spend the next three years evening up the record books. They are not the favourites but I declare them myofficial dark horse.

They have strung together some very convincing results of late.
1. They were denied this years six nations by late bit of French brilliance in Dublin and then a piece of very poor scheduling on behalf of the six nations organist that allowed the French to know what was required of them in their final match against the Scotties.
2. They convincingly beat England, Wales, Scotland and Italy, capturing the triple crown along the way.
3. They have pushed the All Blacks close and have a fairly respectable record against the Boks and the Crooks over the last 8 years, particularly in the northern hemisphere.
4. They have arguably the worlds best centre pairing and a three-quarter line boasting some of the quickest white boys in world rugby. Their pack is filled with class including Malcolm O’Kelly and Paul O’Connell.
5. The Irish always have a fine tradition of strong leadership and this year is now exception. Centre Brian O'Driscoll is the best at his position in the world and leads by example.

They will test some, they will push others, they will score some very entertaining tries, and once again will have the most popular fans in the competition. Sadly however, my Irish eyes will be crying as the Emeralds again go home empty handed, albeit with many new friends, and expected victories over England and Argentina in 2008.

The Irish play Namibia Sept 10, Georgia Sept 16, France Sept 22, and Argentina Oct 1 in what could be the match that decides the final places in the group of death. Despite France playing at home, the Argies and the Irish will both put in a very strong showing and automatic qualification for the second round by the French is far from assured. This will definitely be the group to watch.

Player to watch: Captain and the world's best centre, Brian O'Driscoll.


LATE BREAKING NEWS: On the good news front though. We have word of the Irish settling on a dance to rival the Haka should they meet New Zealand at any stage during the Cup. It's pictured below, with a Irish player facing off a fearsome beast.



Probably a good thing Andrew Hore wasn't there.

World Cup Country Profiles - Fiji

Much like Tonga or Samoa, Fiji is one of the countries New Zealanders like to think of as our friendly neighbourhood. Our backyard as it were. Our backyard where fantastic players seem to grow on trees. Fantastic players who we poach, put in a fancy All Black uniform, and then never let play for their own side again.

But that's competition for you.

The question for this World Cup is whether Fiji can convert its skill in the seven-man game to the fifteen. After all, Fiji seriously loves its rugby. When the most recent coup was about to take place, the current dictator decided to pause the take-over of the country... for a game.

But hey, it is the national sport after all.

Fiji's style has been described as "razzle-dazzle", which is kind of a nice way of saying they run fast and move the ball lots. And while this is a great way to play Sevens, they're unlikely to be able to apply the pressure of a highly-trained side.

If it's any measure, even at their own level in the Pacific Rugby Cup the game is dominated by Samoa. Fiji made the finals last year but fell short this year after a difficult season.

Once again, this is probably a combination of being a 2nd tier side under recruitment pressure from the Big Brothers New Zealand and Australia.

Regardless, Fiji are a spirited side, and will doubtless paste the Japanese and Canadians in their Pool. Were they to achieve a miracle and disappoint the Welsh there is every chance they could make the Quarters. I doubt it but.

Fiji play Japan on 12 September, the Canucks on 16 September, will be pasted by the Criminal Element on 23 September, and face off the Welsh on the 29th.

So, the number one thing to look out for in Fiji? The military. The buggers are as mad as snakes.

World Cup Country Profiles - Australia

It's a well known fact that Australians steal everything. They can't help it.

Evidence. 1991, Michael Lynagh stole a match-winning try against Ireland in the dying seconds of their quarterfinal match on their way to being World Cup Champions for the first time.

Evidence. 1999, Australia stole the Championship crown from the Frenchies, post-euphoric after that semi-final against the All Blacks and possibly still a little dazed that they had made it that far. Australia then became the only country to have won the World Cup twice. Bastards.

Evidence. 2003, Australia stole New Zealand’s share of the World Cup hosting rights. New Zealand contributed mightily to this, of course, but probably should have realised, after spending the greater part of 200 years as a neighbour to the Australian nation, that you should never leave shiny things out for Australians to take notice of. Stealing is stealing. And then to rub it in, Stirling Mortlock stole a loopy pass from Carlos Spencer during their semi-final match and sealed another early exit for the All Blacks. The only reason the Aussies didn’t win in 2003 is that in the days preceding the final the English padlocked Jonny Wilkinson’s boots together, stored them inside a gigantic safe at a secret location, set up those little laser light thingies and had a detachment of SAS running security. True story.

One wonders what feats of criminality the Australians will come up with this year. A look at the class they have in their backs, you might question that they should ever need to resort to tying Dan Carter’s shoelaces together, or pulling Schalk Burger’s hair. Stirling Mortlock, George Gregan, Stephen Larkham, Chris “The Pirate” Latham, Matt Giteau, Lote Tuqiri. A backline to match most in the world.

The problem for Australia is their forward pack, and especially their front row. The lack of forward power is another reason besides genetics why they will likely resort to dastardly deeds to lay their hands on the William Webb Ellis trophy. They have a number of (dis)honest toilers, but only one or two genuine class players, and in the main the forwards are not of the same calibre as previous Australian teams, such as the team of 1999-2002. There's probably a reason they're wearing man bras this year.

We caught a glimpse of their tactics during the Tri-Nations matches, especially the first Bledisloe Cup in Melbourne. Knowing that they were going to get monstered in the scrum, one Australian prop (you know who you are) masterminded a policy of “they can’t push if we’re all face-planted on the ground” (and he amazingly got away with it for most of the match). This was, of course, a slight twist on the theme the Australians displayed at Twickenham against England last year, which was the “they can’t push if we don’t have any props on the field” version. Expect more variations on the theme to follow.

Australia will, as usual, be there or thereabouts come the World Cup: they have that nous that most criminal masterminds have, and they are the second ranked team at the moment, but you have to wonder whether their lack of firepower up front will be the deciding factor, something which may come into play as early as their likely quarterfinal.

Australia start their campaign against Japan at Lyon on September 8. They then face Wales at Cardiff on September 15, Fiji at Montpellier on September 23 and finally Canada at Bordeaux on September 29. They, like New Zealand, have drawn a relatively weak group and should qualify top of their pool. It is up to Wales to disprove that theory. Coming top means a likely encounter with either England or South Africa in the quarterfinals. Should they win that, then it’s likely to be the All Blacks in the semi-finals. If they take the trophy this year, they will have either deserved it or they will have nicked it.

World Cup Country Profiles - England

World Cup Country Profiles

Over the next few weeks the Dropkicks will be bringing you our take on this year's entrants in the Rugby World Cup.

England:

When we were dishing out the countries to profile, I realised that I had been (or was going) to every country on my list (England, Portugal, Japan and the USA). Excellent, I thought, this will be the perfect chance to impart some of the cultural idiosyncrasies and stereotypes I observed into my posts.

Hence, the English team will be surly, pushy, self-important, they might stab you, and they will drink the world’s worst coffee. Apart from the coffee part that fits the English team to a tee.

Since winning the William Webb Ellis Cup back in ’03 the Rose has had a spectacular reversal in form, which started in 2004 with a couple of drubbings by an angry All Black team.

In 2006 England played three internationals that resulted in 3 losses, one to Argentina. This year hasn’t been much better as England suffered 4 losses including record breaking losses to Ireland and South Africa.

Their winning coach has left and even the return of the oft-injured Cup hero Johnny Wilkinson hasn’t helped. It won’t help that England’s pool contains not one but two of their strongest rugby opponents. No, not the French. South Africa and Samoa.

Samoa physically bashed England in their World Cup match in 1995 and in 2003 came very close to beating the eventual winners. And as I mentioned above South Africa has already humiliated England twice this year.

Of course we have the English to thank for the resurgence of the drop-goal as a method of scoring (and how apt that they won the cup with that particularly poxy tactic). And the irony of the Springboks beating them at their own game must, surely, rankle the English who despise irony.

The English also rank quite highly on the ugliest team rankings. While our boys in black strut the catwalks for Armani and Versace and even our scrummagers pose nude for art, the English team tend to look like the peasants in Monty Python’s Quest for the Holy Grail.

The New Zealanders tend not to like the English much either. We’ve had a few dust ups over the years (see the video) but it doesn’t look like we’ll be meeting the English anytime before the semi-finals.

England will start off easy with the USA on September 8 in Lens before slamming head-first into South Africa on the 14^th in Saint-Denis. This means they will be softened up to face Samoa in Nantes on the 22^nd. English finish the Pool matches with Tonga on the 28^th in Paris.

World Cup Country Profiles - Kingdom of Tonga

Well, what is there to say about the Kingdom of Tonga?

Tonga is a pacific nation of 116,000 people living in what you could only describe as tropical paradise. It's a small place, but has been fiercely independent since the pre-Colonial era. Once upon a time, Tonga was the boundary between Melanesia and Polynesia, with itinerant nations having to migrate through Tonga to get to the wider Pacific. This lead to a legendary martial culture, and a strongly centralised people. When most Polynesian atolls were still a collection of villages, the Tongans had a recognised King.

So how does this translate to Rugby you ask?

Good question.

It'll be classic running rugby. 'Ikale Tahi, the Tongan national team, are a big, tough, combative side. We can expect to see lots of movement, though not necessarily close coordination, and lots of big hits on the opposition. Here's the World Cup squad here.

Fast and loose with the ball, 'Ikale Tahi aren't the most sophisticated team in the competition, but are the 14th ranked team in the IRB, which places them above other teams including the USA and former giant-killers Romania. They'll certainly have to be approached with some respect, especially if you're wanting to make it to the semi-finals with few injuries.

'Ikale Tahi are in Pool A, which we can expect South Africa and England to emerge from. The September 14 match between these two is probably what most will tell you to watch out for.

But, my pick is September 16, 'Ikale Tahi v. Manu Samoa. Here's how it'll likely start.


'Ikale Tahi have four fixtures this World Cup.
September 12 vs. The USA.
September 16 vs. Manu Samoa.
September 22 vs. South Africa (ouch).
And, September 28 vs. England (hopefully a spoiler...).
Then they'll go home.

So, in a final word, what to look out for? Great big guys running real fast, directly at the opposition.

World Cup Country Profiles - Portugal

Over the next few weeks the Dropkicks will be bringing you our take on this year's entrants in the Rugby World Cup.

First up: Portugal (by Hadyn)

Portugal:

Back in 2000 my partner and I took a trip to Europe. "Where are you going?" people would ask us, and we would reply "Portugal". "Oh", they would answer, "where's that?"

As we wandered the various geographic features of Portugal (hills, valleys, dells, dales etc) and through their beautiful cities we noted many things. First we noticed that Portugal has something in common with New Zealand; we are both small nations next to a much larger and more famous country. A country that they HATE. And really hate, I mean we don't like Australia but at least the buggers never invaded us!



The second thing we noticed is that the Portuguese are really quite lazy. Seriously lazy. Standing outside of cafes smoking and looking around was a national pastime. And as for rugby...

Our friend, who we were visiting in Coimbra (a university town in the north), said that just by saying you were from New Zealand would get you selected to a representative rugby team in Portugal. So how did they get from taking anyone who had "Aotearoa" written on their passport to being the 21st ranked team in the world? (One place higher than Spain, take that!)

Part of the answer is the coach Tomaz Marais. One of the youngest coaches in international rugby and a former Portuguese international (22 caps), Morais was the mastermind behind Portugal's qualification for their first ever Rugby World Cup and has now turned his attention to ensuring his charges as fully prepared for their historic debut. Moraiz was even nominated for the IRB Coach of the Year award in 2004.

"We've shared moments of very strong emotions during the qualifying games for the World Cup" says Marais. "That made us bond with each other more. It's' a very strong relationship we have now between all the people, the technical staff and the players." Lovely.

My underdog team is usually Japan but this year it's Portugal. Their laid back attitude appeals to me (as does their national drink). Their bright red uniforms leave a bit to be desired however. And have a look at them, they ain't the prettiest. Hell some of them aren't even in uniform and at least one photo looks like a mugshot.



Of course on September 15 this nice bunch of lads will meet the All Blacks in Lyon and the All Blacks will run them down like a frightened possum in the headlights of a tank.

Portugal's first match is against Scotland on September 9 in St Etienne, then they meet the All Blacks in Lyon on the 15th, Italy in Paris on the 19th and finally Romania in Toulouse on the 25th.