World Cup Country Profiles - Australia

It's a well known fact that Australians steal everything. They can't help it.

Evidence. 1991, Michael Lynagh stole a match-winning try against Ireland in the dying seconds of their quarterfinal match on their way to being World Cup Champions for the first time.

Evidence. 1999, Australia stole the Championship crown from the Frenchies, post-euphoric after that semi-final against the All Blacks and possibly still a little dazed that they had made it that far. Australia then became the only country to have won the World Cup twice. Bastards.

Evidence. 2003, Australia stole New Zealand’s share of the World Cup hosting rights. New Zealand contributed mightily to this, of course, but probably should have realised, after spending the greater part of 200 years as a neighbour to the Australian nation, that you should never leave shiny things out for Australians to take notice of. Stealing is stealing. And then to rub it in, Stirling Mortlock stole a loopy pass from Carlos Spencer during their semi-final match and sealed another early exit for the All Blacks. The only reason the Aussies didn’t win in 2003 is that in the days preceding the final the English padlocked Jonny Wilkinson’s boots together, stored them inside a gigantic safe at a secret location, set up those little laser light thingies and had a detachment of SAS running security. True story.

One wonders what feats of criminality the Australians will come up with this year. A look at the class they have in their backs, you might question that they should ever need to resort to tying Dan Carter’s shoelaces together, or pulling Schalk Burger’s hair. Stirling Mortlock, George Gregan, Stephen Larkham, Chris “The Pirate” Latham, Matt Giteau, Lote Tuqiri. A backline to match most in the world.

The problem for Australia is their forward pack, and especially their front row. The lack of forward power is another reason besides genetics why they will likely resort to dastardly deeds to lay their hands on the William Webb Ellis trophy. They have a number of (dis)honest toilers, but only one or two genuine class players, and in the main the forwards are not of the same calibre as previous Australian teams, such as the team of 1999-2002. There's probably a reason they're wearing man bras this year.

We caught a glimpse of their tactics during the Tri-Nations matches, especially the first Bledisloe Cup in Melbourne. Knowing that they were going to get monstered in the scrum, one Australian prop (you know who you are) masterminded a policy of “they can’t push if we’re all face-planted on the ground” (and he amazingly got away with it for most of the match). This was, of course, a slight twist on the theme the Australians displayed at Twickenham against England last year, which was the “they can’t push if we don’t have any props on the field” version. Expect more variations on the theme to follow.

Australia will, as usual, be there or thereabouts come the World Cup: they have that nous that most criminal masterminds have, and they are the second ranked team at the moment, but you have to wonder whether their lack of firepower up front will be the deciding factor, something which may come into play as early as their likely quarterfinal.

Australia start their campaign against Japan at Lyon on September 8. They then face Wales at Cardiff on September 15, Fiji at Montpellier on September 23 and finally Canada at Bordeaux on September 29. They, like New Zealand, have drawn a relatively weak group and should qualify top of their pool. It is up to Wales to disprove that theory. Coming top means a likely encounter with either England or South Africa in the quarterfinals. Should they win that, then it’s likely to be the All Blacks in the semi-finals. If they take the trophy this year, they will have either deserved it or they will have nicked it.